Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of love and a lot of self-discipline to try to raise our children in this crazy world. Trying to break generational cycles of discipline makes it even harder. As hard as we try, sometimes you’re just too exhausted by the end of the day (or even just by lunch!) to have any more patience with our little ones. It’s easy to fall into old patterns of anger and harsh discipline.
If you look back with regret at how you’ve handled things in the past, you’re not alone. The good news is, it’s never too late to start fresh and try to be better for your kids. One way to do this is through positive discipline. Positive discipline is many things, but mainly it’s a way of teaching appropriate behavior by being kind but firm. It’s a way to teach and guide your child with empathy, respect, and clear boundaries. Let’s look at some ways to accomplish this and make sure to download the book “Raising Tiny Humans: A Guide to Intentional and Positive Parenting” for more ideas.
1. Stay Calm (Even When It’s Hard)
Even though it’s our first reaction, reacting in anger does not help an escalated situation. Nine times out of ten, it only makes things worse. It can take a lot of effort, but the best thing to do is step back and take a deep breath. It’s so important that as parents, we regulate our own emotions before trying to help our little one to regulate theirs. We’re all human and we all have those moments. Try your best to think about the after effects if you lose your temper. Is it really helping, or just hurting?
2. Focus on Teaching, Not Punishing
Discipline is so much more than inflicting punishment for a behavior you don’t like. The goal of discipline is to teach your child and guide them to make better choices or decisions in the future. We should not be punishing our child because they are acting in a way that may be irritating or upsetting, but is actually developmentally appropriate for their age. For example, your child spills milk intentionally. This might make you upset since you just cleaned the table, but kids make messes. That’s a fact of life. But the natural consequence is to clean it up, so involve your child in the process of cleaning up the mess they made. This teaches them responsibility. If you reacted in anger with a time out or a spanking, what would that teach them? Nothing valuable.
3. Use Positive Consequences
Rewarding good behavior is so much more than just punishing the bad behavior. In the short term it may seem like punishments are working, but in reality you may be harming your relationship with your child. Long term, it’s been proven that positive reinforcement is more effective and will help you to have a better relationship with your child even into adulthood. Some examples are telling your child they’ve done a good job, thanking them, giving extra play time, or a sticker charge to reinforce good habits.
4. Set Clear Expectations
Children have an easier time behaving in an appropriate way when they know what’s expected of them. Make sure to explain rules using simple terms that are age appropriate. Of course, they won’t do things perfectly, but when you kindly remind them, they’ll be better able to connect the dots of how these expectations apply in their everyday life. Phrases like “In this house, we use kind words” are simple and can be easily repeated and remembered over time.
5. Offer Choices Within Limits
Children thrive when they feel empowered to make their own decisions. If you feel like there is a power struggle when you’re trying to get your child to do something, narrow it down and give them a couple of choices. They feel like they have a say, and you’re able to keep the boundary of who the parent is. For example, you want your child to clean up their toys. If you demand they clean up right now, you’re surely to be met with some resistance. But asking your child, “Would you like to clean up before or after your snack?”, can give them some say in what’s happening.
6. Model the Behavior You Want to See
We’ve all heard how kids are like sponges. They are always watching, absorbing and learning from what you are doing. This includes your speech, actions, the way you treat others, the way you take care of yourself and your home. Make sure to always think about how you are affecting this little person and who they will grow up to be. Show kindness and patience when interacting with others, including your child, and this is sure to rub off on them.
7. Connect Before Correcting
Kids are much more receptive when they feel heard and understood. Don’t jump to conclusions when there’s been an outburst. I’ve seen firsthand how a parent may have missed a critical part of something that just happened, and then punished or yelled at their child for something that was really a misunderstanding on the parent’s part. Allowing your child to express themselves makes them feel safe and will make things easier in the future. Use phrases like, “I can see you’re upset, let’s figure this out together”, or “I think I know what happened, but can you tell me so I get it right?”.
8. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
When your child makes a mistake, or an accident happens, focus on collaborating to solve the problem. Brainstorm together how you can prevent it from happening again, or what we can do differently next time. For example, ask your child, “What can we do to make sure your toy doesn’t get broken next time?” You want your child to feel safe and free to come to you when something goes wrong. This won’t happen if you constantly blame or criticize them.
9. Apologize When You Make a Mistake
One powerful way to help your child respond positively to discipline is modeling accountability. When you react poorly or mess up, own up to it and apologize. In times past, some parents would feel it unthinkable to apologize to their child. But the truth is, your child deserves the respect to be treated like a human. It also helps your child to realize we all make mistakes and that’s okay. You want your child to see the importance of being able to learn and grow and that even grown ups need to say they’re sorry.
10. Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
You and your child are not going to get it all right every day. But make sure to celebrate and appreciate even small things that show you’re both moving in the right direction. At the end of the day, take note of any improvements and use those as motivation to keep going and try again the next day. Parenting isn’t about getting it all right, it’s about trying again every day.
Now you have ten ways to try to put positive discipline into practice today with your child. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about building trust between you and your child, and teaching them with love. Start small and know that every step forward matters. Which positive discipline strategy will you try today? Let us know in the comments!
Be sure to check out “Raising Tiny Humans: A Guide to Intentional and Positive Parenting” for more tips!